Respect for Women Outlasts Valentine’s Flowers

by Rob Okun

Romance and love are ideals worth celebrating everyday, not just on Valentine’s Day. Just as December has been designated as gift-giving season, society—marketers, actually—spotlight mid-February for pitching romance and love. As generosity and gratitude are given short shrift in December, scant attention is paid to healthy relationships on Valentine’s Day.

The culture surrounding the holiday is in transition and in Massachusetts men are taking the lead. Rather than focusing on flowers and jewelry, men are pledging: “From this day forward, I promise to be part of the solution in ending violence against women.”

Part of the White Ribbon Day Campaign, an international effort to engage men and boys to help end violence against women, White Ribbon symbolizes a social movement to transform men from perpetrators or bystanders of violence against women to advocates on behalf of girls’ and women’s safety. Activities across the Baystate have focused on Valentine’s Day.

The White Ribbon Campaign was founded in Canada, two years after the December 6, 1989 Montréal Massacre in which 14 women students at a poly-technical institute were systematically killed and 13 other students wounded by a lone gunman. One hundred thousand men wore ribbons across Canada that first year. White Ribbon has since gone worldwide and is in 50 countries, having accumulated five million signatures and counting.

Working with men over the years, especially listening to college-age men initiating campus campaigns to challenge male violence, I hear a growing chorus of young men eager to help create a culture promoting mutuality and respect over superiority and domination. The tragic stories of violence in communities across the Commonwealth, the country and world—from harrowing cases of domestic abuse to brutal sexual assaults—are disheartening. But “antiviolence men’s work” is gaining adherents. The movement now has an important ally in the White House: As a senator, Vice-president Joe Biden led the way in urging Congress to pass the historic Violence Against Women Act. In September, he told me it was the piece of legislation of which he was most proud.

Craig Norberg-Bohm, coordinator of the men’s initiative at the Boston-based Jane Doe Inc., the statewide coalition of sexual assault and domestic violence programs, spearheads White Ribbon Day efforts in the Baystate. He crisscrosses Massachusetts, training men in violence prevention strategies and broadcasting what he learns about innovative campaigns—from men’s newspaper signature ads decrying a culture of violence to Fourth of July parade floats that proclaim “hands are not for hitting.”

The drumbeat is growing louder to create the culture of respect and safety Norberg-Bohm promotes, and the efforts of men’s programs and organizations regionally, nationally and internationally, both celebrate positive masculinity and invite men and boys to be leaders in helping end violence against women. In addition to activities in state, major men’s conferences advocating an end to violence against women are scheduled in at the end of March in Rio de Janeiro, April in Washington, D.C. and May in New York. (February has long been a month spotlighting ending violence against women, thanks to V-Day, the international campaign that grew out of productions of Eve Ensler’s powerful play, The Vagina Monologues).

What can men do? Become an “ambassador”, inviting other men to take the White Ribbon pledge, to wear a white ribbon and speak out against violence against women, sexual assault and domestic violence. Encourage faith communities to deliver the message that men must and are taking responsibility to end men’s violence against women. Highlight the inspiring and creative work being done by and with men in communities throughout Massachusetts and the country, and encourage their replication. It’s a powerful message when men proclaim: “From this day forward, I promise never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women, sexual assault and domestic violence. I promise to be part of the solution in ending violence against women.”

To coin a phrase, the time for talking is over. It’s time for men to take action to create a peace and justice stimulus package that declares respect and safety for women and girls (as well as for boys and men) must be a key part of any societal recovery plan. That’s Valentine’s Day present we could all appreciate receiving.